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March Madness Update: The Detox

Fact: I went three days without eating solid food.

Fact: I only felt hungry twice during this time.

Fact: I didn't die! <insert sigh of relief here>

There seems to be a stigma attached to detoxes and cleanses.

I mean, I get that I sounded a little pretentious turning down food offers saying, "Sorry, I'm on a cleanse" (i.e. "I'm waaaaaaaaaaaaay better than you...").

...Not to mention the fact that I was forcibly taken to Applebee's (I'm looking at you, parents and boyfriend's parents), where the waitress had to choke back tears when I told her I wasn't ordering anything. It's okay, waitress lady, it really is. And if you're reading this, I'm sorry I don't know your real name. Also, I did go straight home and drink a smoothie like I promised.

But really, it wasn't bad! I'm telling you.

Most of this is probably due to the fact that it was a good, well-researched cleanse. There are some (for lack of a better term) JANK cleanses out there, people.

Examples of jank cleanses:

"The Slim-Down"
Drink nothing but water for 3 days - you'll feel like death, but BOY will you look good!

"The Why-Is-This-Even-A-Thing?"

Day 1: Eat only potatoes, raw. Day 2: Eat only filet mignon (cooked, preferably). Day 3: Eat nothing but beet juice and kale. Day 4: Exercise for five hours straight while drinking lemon and cayenne pepper water.

"The Devil Wears Prada"

Eat nothing, and when you feel like you're going to faint, eat a cheese cube.

Are you picking up what I'm putting down?

Some cleanses are jank, have always been jank, and will always be jank. Avoid them. You'll probably end up hungry and/or you'll get sick and your trip to Paris for Fashion Week will be given to Anne Hathaway (are you still with me? Just Google it).

The Dr. Oz 3-day cleanse was great. I was hardly hungry, truly. The biggest issue was watching other people eat solid food. I felt like an infant/unfortunate accident survivor who was forced to drink all my food through a straw. Filling? Yes. Satisfying? Not even close.

Here's a picture outlining the cleanse I did:

The Money Breakdown:
Trader Joe's................................$68.74
Whole Foods..............................$12.58
CVS pharmacy...........................$5.43
Grand Total................................$86.75

Spending tips:
Start at Trader Joe's, NOT Whole Foods!
Buy Epsom salt at CVS - five bucks for about a gallon of it.
Your biggest expense will be Lavender Oil for the baths ($12 at Whole Foods for the cheapest kind), so if you want to save money, skip the nightly baths entirely.

And here's a breakdown of the smoothies...

Smoothie #1: The Breakfast Smoothie

This smoothie was GOOD. Ask anyone. Ask my boyfriend, specifically, who kept stealing sips of my sweet, precious, limited sustenance (I forgive you - or do I?). I will continue drinking this smoothie straight into my old age, I tell you. It's a little liquidy though, so try adding less water, or use almond milk as a base.

Smoothie #2: The Lunch Smoothie

Looks like pesto, tastes like ...pesto. Let me be frank: this smoothie made me want to cry. I think it did make me cry one time, but that was just because it gave me a funny look. In all seriousness, by the end of this cleanse I was adding way less celery and way more pineapple, and I was STILL forced to chew it. Rule number one about smoothies: you shouldn't have to chew them. Gack.

Smoothie #3: The Dinner Smoothie

Though less gag-inducing than the lunch smoothie, this one still gave me feelings that I can only describe using the term "Voms Ahoy!" There's cayenne pepper in it, so with every gulp came a little burn in the back of my throat. As you get through the smoothie, you'll start to notice your insides burning, and your limbs will grow cold because all of your circulation rushes straight to your intestines to digest this spicy son of a smoothie. Was it disgusting? No. Was it weird? Yes. Will I drink it for leisure? ...that depends entirely on how masochistic I'm feeling.

Let me close by saying that this is not something I will do again any time soon. It was a good experience and I'm sure it taught me a little self-control, but I like my food crunchy and textured and not sucked through a straw! (Most of it, at least).

And finally, as if you didn't already think I was a crazy health freak, here's the thing I was craving most during these three days (and the first thing I ate on Monday morning...):

You guessed it... Ants on a freakin' log, ladies and gents. The snap of that celery, the crunch of that almond butter, the sweet softness of those raisins...

Yeah. Food is way better when it's not in liquid form.

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